These days I have one foot on the side of okay and the other dangling somewhere above nowhere near it. When the sun is up there are kids to laugh with, to frustrate, to keep us busy. Putting them to bed is when the vastness of uncertainty starts creeping back in. I appreciate watching a show as an escape from that feeling most nights, but more times than not I lie there once the lights are out knowing I won’t sleep and when I finally do, a little voice outside the door will wake me up. The baby who turns two next month.
Consciously he may know nothing about all this, but he is a wise little being. Perhaps he knows more than we do. He poked my eye accidentally tonight while he was falling asleep and when I said “ouch,” he touched my face and said, “deep breath, Mama.”
If the air was warm, I might walk barefoot in the mud for connection to the Earth. Feeling disconnected from it now, unable to feel its solidity beneath me, so distracted by the darkness of this time and the lack of knowledge about anything else.
There is some hope in believing that once this runs its course, humanity will be stronger. More aware of the importance of connection. To the Earth. To one another. The importance of science and wisdom and nurses. The importance of heeding a warning, respecting boundaries. Stopping to consider someone else.
Before Saturn fully moves into Aquarius, it retrogrades back into Capricorn in July until December 2020 to retrieve the last of its things and say its final goodbyes. It glimpses one last time the world “as we knew it,” before teaching us what the big picture intends to include. I'm equally unsettled and intrigued by that idea.
As Astrologer, Cassandra Tyndall puts it, the next 3ish months is a lot like "the trailer for the big movie coming out at the end of the year." I love thinking about this and writing about it helps me through days like today. So I'll keep it up.
This morning I wake up to the waning Moon outside my window, a golden glow against the early morning pink and blue. The words 'national state of emergency' enter my thoughts as I gaze at its beauty from the safety of my own bed just before the light of dawn blurs it all away.
The position of the Moon in the natal chart describes the unconscious or habitual response to our environment, characterizing the mood of the native from one moment to the next. The Moon as a transit (in the sky as I write this) describes how each of our own moods are being influenced by the collective mood of the moment. This morning's Moon, hanging there at 30-degrees of Scorpio, describes the imaginative qualities of our psyche as holding more weight than the sensible ones. A heavy daydream.
Astrologers don't usually tend to look to the Moon when we talk about transits, because it moves fast and its effects are fleeting... but when life as we know it comes to a grinding halt, time tends to stand still.
Speaking of time, Saturn currently at 30-degrees of Capricorn is the characterizing planet of the status quo. Saturn has been in Capricorn since December of 2017, now preparing to enter the future oriented air sign of Aquarius, carrying with it all the earthly matters that we as human beings have come to accept as the here and now. Thirty degrees of Capricorn is about executive power, a strikingly accurate description of the status quo in my opinion.
Saturn moving from Capricorn to Aquarius is a huge shift for our shared reality over the next 3 years and it's happening on March 23rd. How do we imagine our lives in 9 days as we hover in this liminal space between being and doing? How do we imagine the world in 3 years compared to now? How can we hold the balance between the discomfort of not knowing and the liberation it has to offer us? It's a feeling that reminds me of this time 2 years ago, just before the Spring Equinox in 2018. I was 9.5 months pregnant, waiting for labor and full of not knowing… when, how, who? We can never really know until we know. We can only imagine.
Today though, we can look to Mercury, the planet of perception and communication at 30-degrees of Aquarius, which my teacher describes as, “You looking and the whole world seeing." It's a kind of conscious totality of being and for me an accurate description of the last 24-hours. Imagine now that it's a preview for 3 years from now, when Saturn is at 30-degrees of Aquarius. Indeed very different from the divisiveness of the last 3 years.
As we practice social distancing due to COVID-19 today, I'm dreaming of the opportunities for collective wisdom this pandemic will bring to the human race, even as I feel the excessive weight of this moment in time.
I found some peace in this heavy daydream. I hope you can too.